Mike's Very Secret, Secret Diary Of Manliness
by Insanity-Chaser
Summary: Mike has a diary? Well this means: Emmett the hobo, leprechauns at the bottom of the garden, Mike's evil mind, Edward in a thong and total randomness! Rated F for funniness!
1. Chp 1 Suck You're Blood

**AN- hey everyone! Jade here! Right, I'm trying my hand at a proper/random/stupidly funny story so please go easy on me. I don't really care if you give me flames because it will not faze me so don't waste your time.**

**Anyway, this is an idea I've seen quite a lot and I've had some ideas for it so I decided to write my own version! It will most probably be stupid/random/funny/insane but that's just me!**

**Please read and review, it will touch my heart!!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight, but I do own a very stupid Mike Newton!**

**Chapter 1-Suck You're Blood**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_OMC!!! Bella said 'hi' to me today AND SMILED at me *swoon* anyways, I'm going over to the Cullen house to tell them to give me my dear Bella or I'll…I'll suck their blood!! Yeah! Mwahahahahahaaaaa!!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man_

--At the Cullen House—

I got out off my 'Mike-Bike' (I had gotten it to impress Bella) and went up the fancy porch steps and knocked on the posh-looking front door.

The door opened after the first knock and the body-builder guy, Emmett looked down at me, a wide, toothy grin on his face. Uh-oh…I'd wanted Edward to open the door so I could confront him. But, I was going to be a man (not that I wasn't because hello, I was MIKE!) and be brave and awesome to impress Bella who was probably here.

"Err…give me my Bella!" I declared. Huh…my voice sounded a little squeaky.

Emmett's grin widened as he looked me up and down before saying, "what, no hug?"

I stared at him, mouth open as he took me into his huge arms and gave me a bone crushing hug.

"OMC! Emmett you're gay!!" screamed the little pixie-like Cullen.

I gaped at her before pushing Emmett away.

"What?! No, it's not what it looks like!" I said frantically as the blonde one, Rosalie, came and stood next to Emmett glaring at me.

Emmett looked horrified and Edward came to stand next to him. I glared at him.

"What are you doing here?!" I said fiercely. I was brave and confident! I was Super Mike-

"I live here," Edward said smirking.

I gritted my teeth as Jasper, the emo one, came and stood next to his 'siblings'.

"Someone's feeling jealous," I thought I heard him mutter under his breath.

"Give me Bella or I'll…I'll…I'll suck your blood!" I screeched like a whiny five-year-old girl PMSing… (Actually, I don't even know what age girls get 'that time of month'…).

They all gaped at me and Bella who had magically appeared from the end of the rainbow said, "LE GASP! OMC!! QUICK, HE KNOWS! THROW HIM TO THE VOLTURI EDDIE-KINZ!"

I stared at her while Alice, the pixie one screamed, "Nooooooo, give him to the leprechauns that live at the bottom of the garden!" before she literally picked me up, practically flew to the bottom of the garden and threw me to the…leprechauns…

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I managed to escape the leprechauns somehow and tomorrow, I'm planning my revenge!! Toodles!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- so how was it (other than stupid/slightly insane)?! I am dying to hear your responses so please review! I want to know if I should carry on this story, I already have the next few chapters done!**

**Thanks for reading and please review,**

**~Jade**


	2. Chp 2 Mike's Revenge

**AN- oh, I was just so-o-o-o excited that I decided to post another chapter! Yay, aren't in nice?! Anyways, this chapter is just as random as the one before, so here goes everything!**

**Please remember to tell me what you think of it!!**

**Disclaimer- the great goddess known as Stephanie Meyer owns everything…**

**Chapter 2- Mike's Revenge**

_Dear me very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I have planned the perfect revenge to get back at Edward! Yay! This plan is sure to work AND get Bella to open her awesome magical, seeing eyes and look at me in a new light that shines from the sun that is stuck up Jessica's bum-Oley! Alas, I must get plotting and planning and scheming and running down the stairs (after putting my Very Secret, Secret Diary of Manliness (hereby known as VSSDM) in a place no one will ever find it (underwear drawer)!!) to eat mom's yumalicious cookies! Whoop!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At School--**

I walked into school after coolly getting off my Mike-Bike (okay, so not exactly coolly; I kind of tripped on a stray pebble (darn those evil little creations!) and fell into a mud puddle before doing a roly-poly and knocking myself out for a few minutes before getting up and being hit by a football right on the head which knocked me out again).

Edward was leaning against his locker making out with my woman, Bella.

WHAT?! NOOOOOOO!!! MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRR!!! I have to somehow get to Italy, go to some random place called Volterra, go into the big castle which I somehow know some ancient and blood-thirsty vampires live in and then I have to pull an Edward-move I somehow know about but the move won't work on me so I'll have to run around Italy screaming vampires exist before the aforementioned ancient and blood-thirsty vampires come and eat me.

BUT…just then, Bella pulled away from Edward looking all flustered and dizzy before they walked off together.

WAIT!! NOT SO FASSSST, MY LITTLE PEA-CAKE!! I ran after my bootilicious Bella at a VERY impressive speed and was about to yell at Edward when I accidently banged into an open locker door, fell back and as I opened my mouth to curse (Bella would be very impressed with my colourful vocabulary), someone spat chewing gum in my OPEN MOUTH!!!!!!!!

How dare they?! So, I got up, forgetting my previous revenge plan, I took the used gum from my mouth and aimed it at Edward's awesome and gay hair.

I threw it. Uh-oh…it just hit the star quarter-back of our schools soccer/football/some sport team…right in the face.

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_After that atomic wedgie (which really got me thinking about why girls didn't get wedgies until I realized what thongs were for (OMC!! SELF HARM!!!!)), I decided to be a man (not that I wasn't but if I wasn't, I would be the most un-manliest man known to man which is an awesome title to claim), and apologize to Edward INFRONT of Bella and that would make her realize how awesomely manly I am and she'd dump that awesome-ized, gay-fied Edward and come running into my manly arms! Oh, my new and awesome plan was SURE to work!!! And- OH!! COOKIES!!!!!!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- hey, I decided to post this chapter early!! It was originally going to come in tomorrow but I was just too excited!!**

**So, please review and tell me what you think!!**

**~Jade**


	3. Chp 3 The New Plan

**AN- Hey guys! I'm so sorry I haven't been updating in like, a week but I kind of…ahem…have some issues at home…--cough cough—**

**ANYWAYS, let's get on with the chapter!!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight. Do you need a sky writer?**

**Chapter 3- The New Plan**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Today, I'm going to put my new plan into action! Whoo! But first, let me tell you about my fabulous new outfit! Eek! I'm wearing tight jeans, a tight black T-shirt that says, I'm With Stupid and is pointing to the left and awesome trainers that are slightly very big for me because there my dad's._

_Anyways, I have to go off and shave my…err…nearly-there-hair! (And moisturize!)._

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At School—**

I strutted into school with my little sister's gorgeous sunglasses on (they were a bright, manly pink with little Hello Kitty cats on them, with pink tinted lens).

I looked so awesome!

Aha! There's Edward and Bella! Perfect.

I walked up to them and before I could say anything, Emmett, the body-builder guy I had never knew existed came up to me saying, "Darling! Don't you look FABULOUS?! Oh, all the men will be all over you, honey-kinz!"

He had his arms open wide with a big, cheesy grin on his face. He took me into a death-grip hug as I tried to back away.

"Oh, it's so great to see my homie again! It's been too long!" he squealed loudly.

Everyone was staring as I flushed red in embarrassment.

LE GASP! Mike, the manliest man known to man NEVA EVA blushed red in embarrassment! Instead, he blushed…pink!!

Ugh, red was sooooo cliché…

These were extreme measures though.

"It's actually only been two days," I mumbled as I tried to slip out of his hold.

"Oh, nonsense babe, I've missed you like a trillion ants!!" he trilled in my ear.

Oh, two can play at that game, I thought as I saw Bella and Edward snickering.

"I know, it has, hasn't it gorgeous?!" I said seductively.

Emmett looked taken aback by my change in attitude.

I took this as an opportunity to slip out of his arms and legged it down the corridor, only doing a roly-poly in mid-air ONCE!

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness, _

_Emmett's been sending me love notes all through the day and he keeps giving my hugs and blowing my kisses._

_I've decided to take action and play cupid (yes that includes wearing a nappy and carrying a bow and arrow). I'm going to get Emmett a boyfriend! Isn't that nice?!_

_Oh, got to go! Mom's making PIE!!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- Soooooooo, how do you like it? Was it good or bad? Should I continue?! Please answer meeeeeeee!!!!**


	4. Chp 4 The Mission

**AN- hey hey hey people!! I got lots of fabulous reviews yesterday that made me want to type this up faster. I love everyone who reviewed, added me to their faves, subscribed etc. it really means everything to me, especially with family issues at home.**

**Thanks again everyone, I hope you read and review! Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer- I DO NOT own Twilight!! God, stop asking me these awkward questions…**

**Chapter 4- The Mission**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Today, I'm going on a mission to get Emmett, a boyfriend! Yay! Hmm, for this, I shall need a large, manly nappy, a pretty (but manly) bow and arrow, my sister's lovely, manly Hello Kitty sunglasses and of course, some inside information on Emmett. Because Emmett will be at his house, I can't ask any of the Cullens (not that I'd want to, but still). LE GASP! This is my perfect chance to talk to Bella!! She will see how nice and considerate I am and then she'll marry me!!_

_To Bella's house!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At Bella's House—**

Whoo!! Finally, at Bella's house! Yay! I knocked on the door and as soon as it opened, I said in a seductively husky and manly voice, "will you marry me, gorgeous?!" before holding out a shiny, plastic and pink Barbie ring I had founded in my sister's Magical Toy Box of Awesomeness because mom wouldn't let me in her jewellery box.

I looked up from under my lashes and gasped.

"Le Gasp! Charlie-I mean, Chief Swan! What are _you _doing here?!" I asked loudly.

"I LIVE HERE!!!" he yelled before saying in a much calmer tone, "and no, I will not marry you. Especially when you're stood outside my house wearing a large nappy, Hello Kitty sunglasses and carrying an offensive weapon."

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I -cough- failed -cough- my mission to get Emmett a boyfriend! Now I have to live with a hot, body-builder guy chasing after me and- LE GASP! I just called him hot!! Nooooooo!! My life is over! I'm gay!! BUT…WAIT! I love Bella as well, so that means…I'm BI!!"_

_Wow…anyways, I know the perfect place to look for Emmy-kinz boyfriend! Mwahahahahahaaaaa!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- sorry it's so short but I really couldn't think straight. Please review.**


	5. Chp 4 Emmett's New Boyfriend

**AN- OMG!! I two chapters for this in one day! You guys so owe me! Anyways, I got loads of reviews on the last chapter that made me want to write this up faster. It was supposed to be in tomorrow but I just couldn't wait!**

**Read and then tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight.**

**Chapter 5- Emmett's Boyfriend**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Right, can't stay for long, my lovely paper man because I'm off to La Push to look for some man meat for Emmy-kinz._

_Then, mom's going to make a Pie-ookie (a pie AND a cookie) and then after that, I'm going to be very busy writing a death threat to Edward/planning his demise/doing other evil and sinful things that would make a bunny cower and also write a love letter to my dearest Bella._

_Toodles! Mwah, mwah!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--La Push—**

OMC!! I have just seen a gorgeous hunky guy who has just given me a dirty look.

Then, suddenly, as I was randomly going past someone's house, it was then that I saw him! Jacob Black!

"Hey, what's your name Jacob Black?" I asked smartly.

"Jacob Black," replied Jacob Black stupidly.

"Le Duh! I already know your name, you um-manly, manly man! Anyways, do you wanna be Emmett Cullen's hubby?" I asked nicely.

"Emmett the leech?" he snarled.

"Yeps," I said; Emmett was quite clingy.

"OKAYS!" he said happily.

"Yesssss!! My plan worked! Successssssssssss!! Mwahahahahahaaaaa!!!!" I hissed, ending it nicely with my gorgeous evil laugh.

Jacob stared at me before running off to the Cullens house. I happily put my awesome, manly Hello Kitty sunglasses back on (my little sister who was called Mikealeena gave them to me for being manly) and strolled back home. I got run over only once but then I came back to life when I thought about how lonely Bella's life would be if I died.

An old lady is just had a heart attack when she saw me.

Jeez, some people are so over dramatic. Hasn't anyone ever seen a handsome, manly man skip pass wearing manly Hello Kitty sunglasses and have only one arm?! God…

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_My plan succeeded! And now, Bella will be mine once again (though I really don't see how my plan fits in with that equation apart from maybe the bit where she realizes just how manly and thoughtful I am)_.

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**Please review ma homies!!!!!!!**


	6. Chp 6 Get In The Car!

**AN- okays, this is like a random chapter I felt like doing. It came to me this morning when my brother was yelling at me.**

**Chapter 6- Get In the Car!**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Today, I'm going to try and kidnap Bella again, BUT it's going to be at school so that Chief Swan isn't there._

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man_

**--School Parking lot--**

I arrived at school very early (8:09. School starts at 8:10) on my awesome and manly Mike-Bike.

Bella was just getting out of her crappy truck. Well, that meant that Edward wasn't here today so that was good. I waltzed up to her gangsta style.

"Yo, Bells," I said coolly.

She turned to look at me.

"Err, hey Mike," she said with a curious smile.

Oh, so this is how she's going to play, eh? Well, no more mister nice Mike. I was turning manly.

"Get in the car," I said fiercely.

She gaped at me for a minute before composing herself and saying, "but…,"

I cut her off.

"Get in the car."

"Err, Mike…,"

"GET IN THE CAR," I said, losing my patience.

"Why?!" she asked exasperated.

I lost it. How dare she question my Mike-ness?!

"Don't ask questions! JUST GET IN THE DAMN CAR!"

Then she said calmly, "Mike, you don't have a car."

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I can't believe that plan backfired. It was so not supposed to happen like that. Hmm, I need to think up a better plan…but what?!_

_Well, I think cookies and pie and a nice, calm glass of cranberry juice will help me think._

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- don't ask. Just don't. Sorry if it's so short but it was the most random chapter of all. Anyways, please review and tell me what you think. I have another chapter (maybe two) coming up later today so don't go anywhere. If you're wondering about the story behind this, basically, I forgot that it was my dentist appointment today and my dad was away so my brother had to drive me. I had no idea what he was doing when he told me to get in the car because we were getting late. So anyways, he yelled at me and by the time we got there, I remembered that my appointment wasn't till next Friday.**

**Everything Mike said (in speech) is what my brother said to me. It was actually quite funny, but whatever.**

**~Jade**


	7. Chp 7 PIE FIGHT!

**AN- hey ma homies! I felt like writing up some more chapters for this story so I hope your all still reading! Also,**_**PLEASE CHECK OUT MY POLL!! IT IS VERY IMPORTANT!**_

**Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight.**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_OMG! Today is Pie day at school!! Oh I can't wait! Mom made lots of pies and stuff which means I can impress Bella by saying that it was I who made them instead! Well, I have to go moisturize! Ta ta!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--In Class--**

I went up to Bella looking all cool and manly.

"Hey-," I started.

"OMG! BELLA! LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! LOOK AT MEEEE! LOOK AT MY GORGEOUS PIE!!!!!!" squealed Jessica appearing out of the broom cupboard.

I glared at her and her crappy pie as she talked to Bella and Edward who was now suddenly next to her.

Bella and Edward had half a pie each and as they pushed them both together to show Jessica, I realized that it was a heart shaped pie!

I was seething and as I went to yell at Edward, I slipped on a blob of jam that was conveniently placed right in front of me and I went crashing to the table in front on which was placed Bella and Edward's pie.

Edward gasped. "Good lord! Mike just threw himself at out pie!"

Bella screamed and said, "LE GASP! Mike, you broke my heart!" before she got up and grabbed my smexy pie and rammed it in my face.

But as Edward was about to throw my other pie at me, I ducked (falling into Bella and Edward's pie again) and it hit Jessica instead.

Jess squealed before throwing her own pie and suddenly, Edward screamed, "PIE FIGHT!"

And then Bella added, "ON MIKE!"

_Dear my very secret, secret diary 9of manliness,_

_I've nearly got all the pie out of my hair and clothes. You know, I feel so ashamed of myself for breaking Bella's heart. Ah well *shrugs*. It was only a pie. LE GASP! I can't believe I actually wrote that! I shan't! I'm going to go and eat some pie now and wallow in my nonexistent but manly life._

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? Please review! And also, don't forget to CHECK OUT MY POLL! Please, I have loads of story ideas but I need you guys to vote which ones you want first so please go and vote! Obviously, the poll is on my profile!! Thanks for reading and please review,**

**~Jade**


	8. Chp 8 Kidnap again

**AN- heyyyy people! Did you miss me? Aww, well I'm back now!**

**Anyways, thank you for all those reviews yesterday, they mean a lot to me and I will try to reply to you all, and the anonymous reviewers, PLEASE GET AN ACCOUNT SO THAT I CAN REPLY TO YOU GUYS TOO!!**

**PLEASE CHECK OUT MY POLL, IT'S IMPORTANT!**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Le gasp! Bella won't go out with me (le sigh) so I have strategized a plan to get her to me! Kidnap (again)! Mwahahahahahaaaaa! Oh, I'm an evil genius! –Smiles wickedly- anyways, I have to go to Bella's house now to kidnap her! Yay!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At Bella's House--**

I snuck to Bella's house in the middle of the night after giving my little sister (who is also my Mike-sitter) an original excuse ("I have to do homework with my bezzie!" "Mike, how many times do I have to tell you, you're too old to play with action man figures and have imaginary friends!").

Haha, breaking into the Swan house is so easy; I mean hello, Always Open Backdoor!

Sheesh, I so doubt Chief Swan's cop-ism.

So anyways, I snuck, had a bit of cheese on crackers and a quick cup of Chinese tea before finally sneaking up the stairs. I went to the farthest door because I had a feeling my destiny was waiting in there.

So, I opened the door wide before yelling, "Darling, I have come to kidnap you! Now, will you MARRY ME?!"

Someone _honk_ed and I looked up into the dazzling face of…Chief Swan.

Uh-oh…

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_My diary is the only thing they let me take with me before they stuffed me behind bars. I was locked in a prison cell. Huh, at least I was finally a man now…not that I wasn't already…but…this is a whole new level!_

_I gave a small squeal when I realized what I had just written. Uh-oh. Chief Swan is coming over again._

_He is now standing outside the bars, his face seething like a…seething thing. _

"_Hand over the book!" he is now snarling like a fish. "First you come breaking into my house in the middle of the night, asking me to marry you for the SECOND time, then you say you have come to KIDNAP me, and NOW your sat plotting and planning your evil schemes to over throw innocent bunnies and dominate the world with your mom's cookies and pies!_

_I am now gasping. "LE GASP!"_

_Now, after I have finished writing this, I'm gonna throw my diary at him and kick him in the nuts!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- PLEASE REVIEW! IT WOULD MEAN EVERYTHING! ALSO, CHECK OUT MY POLL!**


	9. Chp 9 The Great Jail Escape

**AN- hey everyone! I'm writing this chapter in while I'm at school so it might be a bit crap because it's off the top of my head!**

**Anyways, please check out my poll and also, REVIEW!**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Whoop! Finally got out of jail! Just in case Bella doesn't know about my Great Jail Escape (okay, so it wasn't a Great Jail Escape (I begged and grovelled on my knees to let me out) but Bella doesn't need to know that), I must tell her all about it!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At School--**

I got off my Mike-Bike super quick, but unfortunately, I accidentally tripped on air and managed to do a summer Sault before landing on my knees in front of Emmett Cullen.

"What the hell are you doing, Honey?!" he asked me loudly.

"Err…it's a Jackie Chan move!" I blurted out quickly.

The whole school who had gathered in the parking lot after hearing Emmett's outburst, turned to stare at me (not that they weren't before but whatever).

"What kind of Jackie Chan move is when a guy kneels in front of another guy's junk?!" asked Emmett, outraged.

"Err…the 'kneel in front of another guy's junk' move…?" I said quietly.

Emmett looked at me for a moment before saying, "oohhh yeah! I remember that one! It was the one where a guy knelt in front of another guy's junk!"

I sighed in relief and then got up. I had just spotted Bella in the departing crowd.

"Hey Bella! I have something to tell you!" I screamed in her face.

"Well…?" she said irritably.

"Well," I started, but suddenly, I was cut off as Alice Cullen walked past and said dismissively,

"There's no need to tell Bella about you "Great Jail Escape" because for one thing, it doesn't exist and for another, I wouldn't really call attempting to kick Chief Swan (AKA Bella's father) in the nuts and then grovelling and begging on your knees to be let out of prison when you were going to be let out that same day anyway, that great."

And then she walked off.

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Okay, so that plan backfired, BUT, I have another, even better (and manly) plan to get Bella! Alas, I must go and find an old friend...Bella, watch out because...THE HELLO KITTY SUNGLASSES ARE BACK IN BUISNESS!!! MWAHAHAHAAAAA!!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- PLEASE REVIEW AND ALSO, CHECK OUT MY POLL!**


	10. Chp 10 WalMart

**AN- hey my peoples! Two chapters in one day! Aren't I amazing? Anyways, I felt like writing this chapter because a friend of mine gave me the idea when we went to a super market (I live in England so obviously, it's a super market, but in America AKA a Wal-Mart) and had a Pokémon duel!**

**Please review and check out my poll!**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I have to post phone my plans of seducing Bella for I have been called to go shopping to Wal-Mart with mom!_

_Well, I hope I see Bella there! Oh, and that reminds me, I must wear my Hello Kitty sunglasses even though it's raining cows and donkeys outside!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At Wal-Mart--**

We are now in the water melon section (yes, they have a whole section dedicated to water melons) of Wal-Mart.

Mom has just bought 59 pies and we now need to buy some water melons to make a water melon flavoured pie.

"Go Bulbasaur!" I heard someone shout.

I dropped the water melon I had been holding on, on my toe and gave a scream before limping over to the next aisle.

Emmett was stood holding a tennis ball. Then suddenly, Bella, who was stood across from me and opposite Emmett, screamed, "Pikachu! Come on out!" and threw the tennis ball she had been holding.

The ball seemed to fly in slow motion (okay, I was moving forward in slow motion so it would give a better effect) and then it hit me in my eye and my sexy and manly Hello Kitty sunglasses cracked and everything went luminous green and slightly furry.

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I now have a very manly looking black eye which mom made me cover up with a packet of frozen fish fingers._

_My Hello Kitty sunglasses have a lens missing but I think that I look quite cool and sexy and VERY manly with them on. I bet I look like that pirate off that show which came on that other day._

_Well, anyway, I gotta go because I need to plot Edward's demise and also check myself out in the mirror._

_PIE! (Get it? pie…bye…)._

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- tell me how it was! I wanna know what you guys think and also, if I do another Pokémon related chapter, I shall ask you guys if you wanna be in it! (Emmett, "Faunamon! Come on out!").**


	11. Chp 11 Disguise

**AN- THREE CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY! WOO! IT'S A WORLD RECORD PEOPLE!!**

**PLESE REVIEW!!!**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I need to go undercover today so that I can put my amazing plan into action. So, now I just need to decide what to wear and then I'm all set!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At the Mall--**

Whoo! I'm all set and finally, my plan is ready for action! Now, where's Edward? A-ha! He's in the music store! AND he's all alone!

Perfect…

I walked over to the store he was in and strutted up to him.

"Excuse me"-, I started confidently but was rudely cut off by my victim.

"I'm sorry but I don't date seventy year old gangsters who carry around wooden pirate swords," said Edward without looking at me.

I gaped at him (in a manly way of course) and said defensively, "but I've got an eye patch and everything!"

He turned to look at me, a stupid wonky smirk on his crap face.

"No, you've actually got on a pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses with one of the lens knocked out," he said, that stupid wonky smirk still on his crappy face.

Then, he walked off, pulling on a pair of…Barbie sunglasses!

On no he didn't!

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I can't believe Edward Wonky-Smirk-Crap-Face Cullen actually has a pair of manly Barbie sunglasses to rival my sexy and manly Hello Kitty ones! I must do something about this tragically epic situation at once! BUT WHAT?! Oh, I know, I'll declare war!_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- PLEASE REVIEW! I GAVE YOU GUYS THREE WHOLE CHAPTERS IN ONE WHOLE DAY! YOU OWE ME BIG TIME!**


	12. Chp 12 Battle of the Manliest Sunglasses

**AN- hey everyone! I love this next chapter; it's one of my faves! **

**Anyway, please review and also, check out my poll!**

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_Today, once I have got to school, I shall declare war! This is my game plan- leave the house by going out of the front door, then walk down the porch steps, then walk over to my manly Mike-Bike, then climb onto my manly Mike-Bike, then start my manly Mike-Bike, then ride my manly Mike-Bike to school, then park my manly Mike-Bike in the parking lot when I get to school, then climb off my manly Mike-Bike, then, turn around and walk to building seven where I know Bella's next lesson will be, then ask Bella out. And that, my lovely and manly paper man, is not the end of my amazing man, oh no! Edward shall arrive on the scene (biology lab) shortly after I have asked Bella out. Then, Edward shall glare at me, look at Bella expectantly and then grin triumphantly as Bella refuses to go out with my (le sigh). Then, while Edward is all happy and has that stupid wonky smirk on his crappy face, I shall strike! "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!"_

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**--At School--**

Before I even had time to get off my Mike-Bike, Alice Cullen was in front of me.

"Get out ma face! Get out ma face!" I squealed like a man as the pixie chick stood about a mile away from me.

"Mike, I have come to be the referee!" she screamed at me and I stopped squealing like a man and stared at her.

She took a couple of meter wide steps closer to me.

"Edward – my brother – has declared a sunglasses war! He shall be here shortly – OH WAIT! HE'S HERE!" she screamed.

I turned around and 'Le Gasped' because Edward was stood there wearing a pair of Barbie sunglasses and a miniskirt with a thong over it. He was also wearing a bra while Bella stood behind him dressed in a…BATMAN COSTUME!

GOOD LORD!

"ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, I DECLARE A THUMB WAR!!!!" bellowed Edward in a girly voice.

I narrowed my eyes as Bella stood between us with Alice and then they both screamed, "LET THE BATTLE, COMMENCE!"

Edward ran up to me before I could do anything and grabbed my glasses, BUT, I pulled his bra strap and he screamed and so I took HIS sunglasses and threw them onto the floor, crushing them until they breathed no more.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BARBIE SUNGLASSES! TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" he cried, falling to his knees and scooping up his sunglasses.

Bella shook her head sadly as Alice spoke, "and the winner of the Battle of the Most Manly Sunglasses (EVA) is, MIKE NEWTON!"

But I jumped (**AN- lol, I was about to write "but I humped"!!)** onto my Mike-Bike and zoomed off home.

_Dear my very secret, secret diary of manliness,_

_I am now stuck half way up a tree. But I am very proud that I have won the Battle of the Most Manly Sunglasses (EVA) because I seriously thought that some sort of epic tragedy would occur while I was trying to have a thumb war with Edward._

_Anyways, I must try and get down from this tree so I can trot back inside the house and have some pie. But I also need to make up some random excuse about why I was skiving school ("Because I left my manliness behind!")._

_-Mike, the manliest man known to man._

**AN- please review and tell me what you think! And check out my POLL!!!**


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